back on line

The break in… Well, I came to work last Thursday to find that our office had been broken into. They stole my computer, our microwave, and busted up our coke machine among other things. On the plus side I feel much better about the move across town now. On the bad side, I have been office hopping until my new computer comes in, I lost all of my personal stuff that was saved on my hard drive and on top of everything else, a girl in my office (that her job directly effects my job) quit Friday and instead of hiring someone else right before the move, I am now responsible for both positions. So that’s that.

Money money money……Good news, my W2 came in Friday so I filed my taxes Saturday. I literally now have 8 to 21 days until I can move and finally be free.

Roughed up…..So I was lucky that the last few weeks have been pretty uneventful at home. I knew it wouldn’t last forever though. He hasn’t been drinking near as much (because we’ve been so broke) so I know that has helped. Well he drank last night, a lot. I could see as soon as I got home he was in that potentially explosive state, not mad at all but super manic/drunk/loud/intense. When he’s like this he’s like a giant pimple about to burst on your mirror. So I opted to leave him alone and let him play his madden on the play-station and went in the bedroom to watch TV. I was pretty bummed because as the games are played in this dysfunctional relationship of mine, I still enjoy spending time with him when he is the him I fell in love with, and he has been that person lately. Anyway, I fell asleep watching TV and apparently didn’t hear him screaming for me. By the time I finally woke up and heard him, he had manifested into that beast of a man I dread. I walked into the living room and the front door was open, he was sitting in his chair. He had got up to pee out the front door (we have two bathrooms, he just does this out of pure laziness is suppose) and the dogs ran outside. I stood at the front door calling my dogs back in and I felt a huge shove, he got me right in the middle of my back and almost knocked me down the stairs of my from door but I caught myself. He literally knocked the breath out of me. I put my head down and turned to walk quietly back to the bedroom and he threw a bottle of Tylenol at me and they went everywhere. I picked them up. I went and laid down in the bed and actually thought he was done. Then he came in carrying the vacuum cleaner and threw it at me, Yes a VACUUM cleaner. Then he started grabbing things off of the dresser throwing them at me. Hairspray, pledge can, powder bottle. I instinctively covered my face with my arms, as I always do while under attack. The whole thing was only a couple of minutes then he turned an walked out and that was it. Every time I get roughed up I tend to not feel much at first. I guess after the shock or adrenaline or whatever wears off after a few minutes then the pain starts to set in and I know where to check for injury’s. It wasn’t too bad, I always feel much better if I don’t get it in the face, that seem to hurt much worse and takes longer to heal, not to mention you can’t hide it, not that I care anymore. So I ended up with a pretty big goose egg on my head, my arm is swollen and has a good cut and my muscles feel like I just did the Biggest loser boot camp video. People talk about the honeymoon phase when the man is super sweet and apologetic after the abuse. He stopped that years ago. I don’t even remember the last time he apologized to me. He either calms down and pretends it didn’t happen or he makes a joke out of it, which is what he did last night. He came in there a little while later and asked if I was ready to apologize to him and give him a kiss. I went to sleep. This morning he tried to get me to stay home from work because he was moaning saying he was super sick and his chest hurt. I went to work anyway. He called me after about and hour and said his chest was killing him and he couldn’t breathe. I told him to get some rest, I didn’t not give in to this fake heart attack manipulation this time. I can’t believe all of the years I fell for this crap and I let him play me like a violin. When I told his aunt this morning that she would have to call me on his phone because he had one of his episodes last night and smashed my prepaid phone (4th smashed phone now), she literally said, “bless his heart”. Yea poor freaking baby.

BREAK IN

Just so no one ┬áis worried I may not be able to write for the next week or so, I got to work this morning and our office had been broken in to. They stole my computer so I currently don’t have a work station and am using someone else’s computer to write this. I will check in when I can until they get my new computer here and set up. hugs ­čÖé

CHANGE CHANGE AND MORE CHANGE

Let me just say I do not do well with change. The closer I get to leaving, it is scaring me to death. I am a creature of habit. i function better with routine. Routine is comfortable to me even if its my prison like routine everyday. Leaving my husband will be a HUGE change. I know it will be for the best but my anxiety is building on all. On top of this huge life change, I just found out that my job is changing locations in March. We are moving to the complete other side of town. It is a good move but its still a change. I have been given an opportunity for another job if I want it, but again that means change. I guess the change fairy is spreading her dust because my daughter called and told me that her dad and stepmother bought a home the next town over and they are moving in the next two weeks. She will have to change schools, again. I know change can be good and is part of life, I don’t know why it gives me such anxiety. My husband has not been bad the last few weeks and although I have not changed my mind about leaving, I have had comfort┬áin the day to day routine the last few weeks. I feel like I’m standing at the edge and I have my parachute, but I don’t quite have the guts to jump yet.

Americana Injustica and her Boo

Please send out your prayers, love, good energy, and strengthening spirits today to a mother and daughter who deserve the world. Boo, you are a young woman full of strength and courage and I admire you. You have a mother that loves you enough to move the moon for you. Good luck today ya’ll ­čÖé

Battle Fatigue

So I’m still here. Things at work have been super busy. My plan may take a little longer than I thought. We aren’t getting our W2’s until the end of the month now so that means the money will take a little longer but I’m ok for now. I am still prepared for anything. I am ready to leave on a moments notice if need be. He has been on an upward manic mood lately. Making tons of plans for my tax refund (the money I am moving with). He thinks he is going to start a new business and help get us out of debt and help his family since his dad was just laid off after working for a company for forty years. His heart is in the right place but I have seen this before and it never lasts. It does make the guilt harder but that is just part of it and I know that. I have thought a lot about things lately. A life I will have again. Little things I have lost over the years like spending a birthday with my family, driving five hours away to visit my great grandmother who is 106 years old, having hobbies and friends. I am not going to lie, I am exhausted. My walk is currently a crawl. But I am still trucking. The mental and physical toll this marriage has taken on me has knocked me down, but I will get back up. I miss life and have so much to look forward to but am very realistic and know that it is going to be crazy hard. I have to be real and prepare myself and know that as much as I can hate him, he is someone I have loved for a long time and I will miss him and worry about him and feel guilty for leaving. I also have to be prepared that he may stalk me, he may come after me or my family, or he may not do anything. My plan to leave is realistic but when it comes down to it I know that if something happens, because it very well may, that I have to leave my home and everything I own and my pets that is just how it will have to be. If I stay I WILL die. I looking forward to and am dreading the day I leave, the closer it gets, the more nervous/excited/guilty it feel. My parents and brother are on standby now and although they don’t know all of the details, they are all literally a phone call away, ready to come get me if need be and are calling me everyday at work now to check on me. I hate that I make them worry but feel truly grateful to have them there for me. Counting the days now, I’m almost home free guys.

The anxiety

He knows that it takes me 17 minutes to get home from work. That works if there is no traffic delays, and I get out of the office right at 5pm. He thinks he know how long it takes me to get from our house to the grocery store and back. Any deviation in time from what he thinks it should take me anywhere gets him wound up and straight to the conclusion that I must be off with someone having sex. So when I’m on my way to work and the traffic is backed up do to a fender bender, or I am in line at wal-mart and the person in front of me needs a price check, I go into full panic mode. I understand that the people on the road or at the store or wherever have no idea what fate I have waiting for me when I get home but sometimes I just want to scream it out. Please, if you only knew you would clear a path and get the hell out of my way. I hate feeling like that. The anxiety of it has literally caused ulcers in my stomach. I am so used to this way of thinking, I don’t even know how I’m going to function when I do get away. Everything I do, every decision I make on a day to day basis, my first thought is how is he going to react to this. I cannot get up in the morning with out thinking how much coffee should I make, if he wakes up and wants some and I only made enough for me he will freak out, if he wakes up and I made a whole pot and he doesn’t want any, he will freak out because I am wasting it. ┬áMy claustrophobia is getting worse. I can’t even lay on the couch, I feel like I’m smothering in the crack of it and cant breathe.┬áThe last week hasn’t been that bad. I haven’t been hit or raped. He even played cards with me the other night. Last night he was back to his crazy mean self. This is not how life is supposed to be. I am almost there though.

random things about myself

So although I’ve shared some of my most brutally honest feelings and most private humiliating life experiences through this blog, here are┬ásome regular everyday things that make me…me. I am not just someone that has experienced horrible things. I am a real person. I am a morning person. I am totally addicted to over the counter nasal spray and have been since I was 15. I love to cook and bake and eat. I love to read. I love music of all kinds. I love my dogs like kids. I think its super sad that Hershey cherry cordial kisses only come out twice a year. I love t.v. and movies. I went to nursing school but didn’t finish. My favorite color is blue. I love sunsets. I love the beach and the lake. I am 36 but still say ma’am and sir to other people. I am super claustrophobic and terrified of spiders. I drink coffee all day. Any sour candy I eat makes me gleak. I am part Choctaw Apache Indian, French, and German. I love genealogy. I love James Bond, ┬á(only the Roger Moore ones), Elvis, and old Disney movies. I was a total marching band nerd in school, even went to band camp…it was awesome. I love British accents. I smell everything before I buy it, shampoos, washing powders, cleaning products. My parents have been together since they were in 8th grade. I am not a winter person, I am super cold natured. My daughter is the most awesome person I’ve ever known (I’m not just saying that because she is my daughter…she is awesome). I raise peacocks and chickens and turkeys and guineas. I hate driving at night. I hate wearing shoes and take mine off under my desk as soon as I get to work everyday. I belch like a beer drunk college frat boy. I love to play board games. I rarely drink, but when I do I almost always throw up. I have a bucket list a mile long. Some days I feel super strong and some I feel super weak. I am currently hooked on the game 2048. I hate being lied to. I hate to hurt peoples feelings. I know none of this has anything to do with my blog but I just wanted whoever is reading this to know there is a real person here, there is a me that I am fighting for.