How did I get here?

Hmmm, where to start.  Well I guess the question is how did I go from the newly budding relationship of my second marraige which I thought was everything I had ever wanted to now, starting this blog, planning my escape from a man that just two weeks ago woke me up at four in the morning with a knife, telling me that he was going to kill me and then kill hisself. Obviously I made it through that night, but next time I might not be so lucky. So if you start to follow my blog and I suddenly stop posting before you read about how I escaped and started a wonderful new “normal” life, I guess that will mean I didn’t make it out. I don’t even know if anyone will ever read any of this but I have to tell my story to someone, even if it’s just this computer.

Well, I guess I could start by telling a little about myself. I am 36 years old. I grew up in a home with my biological mother and father and my little brother. Growing up I though my family was dysfunctional because we weren’t like families on T.V., but I know know that we were actually pretty normal and healthy for the most part. No divorced parents, they loved me and my little brother very much and I had a wonderful extended family that I was very close to. I was never abused in any way.  I met my first husband when I was 19 and fell hard and fast, he was a charmer. We had a daughter our first year of marraige but were divorced by the time she was 4. He cheated on me and left me for a girl in his office, typical story, everyone new but me, I totally didn’t see it coming. Although he made some mistakes,  obviously wasn’t husband of the year (and has been married several times since then) he is a good guy and a wonderful father. I took him leaving hard though. Not just because my heart was broken, but because my life was broken. All I wanted was to be a stay at home mom and wife, old school you know. And I was a good mother and wife, so I felt like a failure. I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong. So I tried to pick up the pieces, I put my daughter in day care, went to work and put my big girl panties on. About six months later a girl I worked with introduced me to her brother, who was also going through a divorce and had kids around the same age as my daughter and whose wife had cheated on him. He had grown up the same old school way I had. He was looking for exactly the same kind of life I was and had been  through the same kind of thing I had. It seemed too good to be true….it was. Our first few months together were amazing. He bought me flowers and gifts. Had things delivered to my office, bragged to everyone we knew about how he was the luckiest man on earth, he made me feel like the heavens had opened and I just fell out, but it didn’t last. It started with little things like I remember him calling to see if I was almost at his house (we had plans) and I told him I was still getting ready. He kind of freaked out and it flustered me so much I left my house right then with curlers in my hair and my makeup bag and went straight there. When I got there he looked at me funny and acted like the phone call never happened. Now keep in mind the me from before marraige #1 would have hung up on him and not showed up if he had taken that tone with me, but this new me after marraige #1 was not going to mess this up. I was going to do and be everything he wanted so he would have no reason to leave me for someone else. I was an idoit. So 13 years is a long time. Things he does now I would’ve had him thrown in jail even then. It’s crazy, its such a gradual loss of yourself and your core beliefs that I don’t know that anyone could even understand unless you have actually been through it. I never in a million years would have thought I would have stayed with a man who hit me or talked down to me or heaven forbid the other stuff, much less blame myself and think everyone else will blame me if they knew. Even seeing what I am writing now its like I’m reading about someone else. I will tell my story though, and it will be in several blog entries because at this point in time when I am at work and I free time its the only time I can. He has already taken my phone, social medias, and any other means of communication with the world away. I am a prisoner at home and am allowed to go straight to work and go straight home (and work with his aunt so he can check up on me). So I will write when I can and tell as much as I can to anyone that will listen.

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5 thoughts on “How did I get here?

  1. Mindful Megan says:

    I know how you’re feeling. I was there only a year ago. Leaving was the hardest thing in my life. I believed it was my fault, I was so alone. You are not alone. Don’t give up, get out. I love you. You are a beautiful wonderful human and the world deserves to have you in it. I am the promise that things will get better. You’ll feel like your life is over, but I promise you it’s not. It will get better and one day you’ll wake up thankful to be free. Fight for your life and your daughters! I have not followed a soul, but I’m following you so I can know how you are. So I can hear your success when you leave and redid yourself and your joy. Please keep in touch.

    Liked by 1 person

    • anni6290 says:

      Gosh, I’m crying at work . 🙂 thank you, I can’t tell you how much that means to me. I have already sent my daughter to live 16 hours away, hopefully I won’t be far behind her. I have a plan.

      Like

  2. anni6290 says:

    thank you so much and I will 🙂

    Like

    • Mindful Megan says:

      No obligation. If you need someone to talk or listen. Even if it’s about nothing special. I’ll be here. I’m glad I met you. 🙂 have a great day.

      Liked by 1 person

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