why don’t you leave now?

So if helping people understand why it’s so hard to leave is part of educating the public, here you go. I am going to simply tell you why I haven’t left yet. If everything I say sounds like nothing but lame excuses, please reply…I am open to help and suggestions. First of all, things have escalated so much the last few months, I know that if I don’t make a clean brake with no strings attached…he will find me and he will kill me and a piece of paper telling him to stay away or few days or months in jail will only fuel him more. I am afraid. I do love him that’s another reason this is hard. I know that sounds crazy but it is what it is. I love my husband but I know that he is sick and no matter how much I love him or be patient with him or give up myself and my life for him, it will not cure him. He needs professional help that he is not willing to get and I can’t force him to get. If I have him thrown in jail (which wouldn’t happen any way because we live in a small town in the south and his baby sister is married to a cop, he is friends with several other cops) he has a ton of friends and family that would bail him out anyway) You have to understand that part of me keeping my house of horrors a secret all these years has actually hurt me more. You see everyone that is around him loves him and honestly the few people that know about him being abusive haven’t done anything to help (not that I’m blaming them) and the rest might not even believe me. My point is, when I leave I can’t come back or let him know where I am. This in itself is a hard thing because of how controlling he is. I am basically a prisoner at home, I can come to work and back everyday (I work with his aunt in an office with only women). He had a gps tracker app on my phone before he smashed it (smashed my last three phones that is) so now he calls me constantly. He checked all my phone records daily and pays for a subscription to spokeo (people search) to find out everyone I am talking to and where they are. He controls all of the money. He has won’t let me have social networks anymore (he doesn’t know about this obviously). So its hard to plan without any money and only when I’m at work so I am doing the best I can. We have several pets (6 dogs) that I will not leave behind because he won’t take care of them. Our home is a mobile home that is only in my name that I owner financed from my boss (who I would never screw over because she has been a blessing). Problem is the home is on his parents property and will cost over $1000 to have it moved and his parents will not make him stay away because they feel like it is “his home” (the land)….I don’t blame them either, he is their son and they love him. Another issue is since his credit is ruined this summer he bought hisself and his 19 year old son a truck and put them both in my name (i was there and agreed to it like a dummy…but I always do what he says). So my credit is now currently on the line, which I will need to start over. And I can’t leave here with things in my name that they have because he will find me that way. Also obviously you need money to go anywhere. My credit cards are maxed and We are behind on our bills now. He quit his job right after the incident I blogged about that put me in the hospital. I missed a week of work from that and missed three more weeks after that due to having to have my gall bladder removed. So yes I have medical bills pouring in now too. My family knows nothing of the abuse after all of these years ( I never told them anything because I don’t want them to worry about me.) I would never go to my family when I left anyway because I don’t know that he wouldn’t try to hurt them out of some crazy rage. His family knows a little because the last two years he has made it impossible to hide everything but they love us both and don’t know what to do and don’t really want to be involved from what I gathered. (Not blaming them either) So there it is. My pile of excuses. My plan is to wait it out until February until I get my income tax refund…..if I make it until then.


6 thoughts on “why don’t you leave now?

  1. CodingGal says:

    Im worried about you. I have been in your shoes. Please keep us posted. Email me anytime. *hugs*


  2. DotedOn says:

    Plan everything perfectly so you won’t need to go back. Those are not excuses, they are your reality. You’ll know when you are ready and that will be the perfect time to leave.
    Be careful! 🙂


  3. Don’t worry I get it. I’ve been there.


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