It’s not fair.

So last night just plain sucked. I got home from work and he started as soon as I walked through the door. I had even stopped and got him beer and cigarettes on the way home (forever trying to get him in a good mood). He was on a roll though. Not angry throwing things but the verbal abuse was intense to say the least. The name calling, the telling me worthless I am and what a “whore” I am, even telling my dogs what a nasty whore their mommy is, I mean really! It took everything I had to keep my mouth shut. I was so mad I started crying while I was chopping bell peppers. This just made things worse I’m sure because he knew he was getting to me. But there are sometimes that it is just too much to hold in. So he starts telling me how much he wants me to die, not yelling and screaming but just sitting back in his recliner in his creepy tone like he was talking about the weather. This coming from the same man that just a few days ago on Thanksgiving was in a super great mood being super sweet to me and fun and completely normal around his entire family, even saying grace at Thanksgiving dinner. It is exhausting. So then he starts talking about stabbing me. Like still in his creepy tone but it still scared the crap out of me. He told me “if you don’t like it than leave”. I told him to leave. This is why sometimes I feel like we are stuck in this situation. I know I should leave. But just walking way from everything…its not fair. You see, over the years we have split up several times. I can’t even tell you how many times we have lost everything we had because of his gambling or up and quitting a job. So many times we lost everything…homes, cars, everything. Having to start over with nothing. I freaking sucks and it is so hard and takes so much time and energy. So the last time this happened I did things different. I went back to work and I bought a new car and I bought this mobile home. It’s not much but it’s mine. It’s all in my name only even the bills. I did this so he couldn’t take anything away from me again. I am still young but feel too old to keep starting over from nothing. I have paid for all of this now with money that I earned from my job. And the kicker is that one of the times we split up, we legally divorced before we got right back together and never remarried. So when I say this home is mine, I mean it is MINE. So yes it is hard to just “walk away” from it. The easy thing would just be to call the police since he has no right to be there if I say so. Here’s where it gets complicated. My home is sitting on his property which I have no rights to and no legal paperwork even giving me permission to be there. So there we are, even in a moment when both of us are in agreement to get the hell away from each other I tell him to leave my house and he tells me not as long as its on his property. This freaking sucks! So back to last night. He was scaring me to the point that I was just ready to leave and get out of there for my safety. Keep in mind he had just told me to leave. So I get ready to walk out the door and he says “what are you doing”. I tell him I am leaving. He looks at me and says super scary like “your not going anywhere”. I told him that I was scared to stay in the house with him talking about killing me and that he needs help. I knew at this point even though I finally mustered up enough guts to walk out, he wasn’t going to let me leave. He told me to take my dogs and go to the bedroom and lock the door. I did what he said but also moved the headboard of my bead in front of the door. I knew that if he wanted to get in he still could but my little barricade might buy me enough time to call 911 on my old prepaid phone I now keep charged in the bedroom. It took me forever to fall asleep. I heard him in there finishing supper and then he fell asleep on the couch at some point. He left me alone. I have to do something soon, I don’t think I can wait until February. I’m scared.

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7 thoughts on “It’s not fair.

  1. sherryirvin says:

    So sorry for you!! You need to get out ,no one deserves to be treated that way.

    Like

  2. Sofia Leo says:

    The Holidays are an especially rough time for people in your situation. Is there any way you can leave sooner?

    Like

  3. Sweetie…….
    BIG HUGS
    is all I can say, you know everything else I might throw in as far as the reality of it all, way too well…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. anni6290 says:

    I know, thank you 🙂

    Like

  5. Oh man, thats horrible. Im so sorry. I know how you feel. Buy yourself some bear spray. Its like $35 for a small can, gives you range like 30 feet or something, and it will give you the time you need to get away. I have some in my night table even though hes never threatened me. You just cant trust a narcs mental state. And find out where else you can park your house and how to get it moved! Just having a plan can help you not feel so trapped. 😦 My thoughts and prayers are with you!

    Liked by 1 person

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