So I went back. I feel like a sh**. I didn’t even want to write this but I am being brutally honest in the blog even if I’m completely ashamed of what I have to talk about. I went back partially because I felt like I  had no other choice at the moment and partially because I missed him as hard as that is to admit. That’s why my original plan to leave involved me moving several hours away, to keep me safe from him and to keep myself from being tempted to go back. I need to start a life away from here. We have shared 13 years together, raised 5 kids together, and share a big family and friends. I can’t be here and not run into him, running into him would be toxic. I read a blog post the other day comparing an abusive relationship to an addition to meth. I believe it. I know this probably sounds pathetic unless you have been there. My mind is in constant turmoil. It’s like I have these wheels in my head and they are constantly moving in opposite directions. It is exhausting. I can’t comprehend how I can love him and hate him and pity him and be afraid of him, and resent him and need him all at the same time. It makes no sense. So for the moment I am back, I am back to my original plan of leaving in February. I would have thought I would have got a severe punishment for leaving and telling his family what he did but by some miracle, he hasn’t even brought it up and didn’t freak out on me, maybe because he knows everyone is watching him at the moment, or maybe he just hasn’t yet. Either way, I slept in my own bed last night with my dogs, it was familiar and comfortable even though I know it’s poison.


7 thoughts on “Poison

  1. blahpolar says:

    You don’t sound pathetic, you sound scared. I hope things ease for you somehow.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. CodingGal says:

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. And you don’t sound pathetic. They say a person leaves their abuser an average of 7 times before they actually stay gone. I think it all depends on your plan for leaving and the resources you have once you leave. Give yourself credit for the fact that you’ve already mastered a major goal, and that is you knowing you have to leave.

    Havng all these mixed and seemingly contradicting feelings is normal. It’s never all bad and there must have been some good times and happiness and THAT is where those missing him feelings come from. A friend once told me “sometimes you have to do the right thing and feel the feelings later”. Meaning do what you need to do and deal with whatever it is you’re feeling when you’re out of the situation.

    For instance…I was always waiting for the “right time” to leave. But that time never seemed to come. I already had enough reasons to leave but felt they weren’t good enough. The truth was….I was waiting to leave when I thought it wasn’t going to hurt. And that time wasn’t going to come either…..Atleast not at that stage. It’s going to hurt but I PROMISE you there will also be more joy and comfort and RELIEF once you’re gone.

    Sending blessings and love your way and feel free to contact me anytime. *hugs*

    Liked by 2 people

  3. lizabethf says:

    I don’t think you sound pathetic either. Take care and be safe.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. DotedOn says:

    Hugs! and strength 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Leaving and staying gone is so hard…there is no shame in going back now-have a safety plan for yourself…it does take an average of 7 attempts before leaving for good. He will cycle through the abuse-being decent for a while, then escalating. We get so use to that cycle, that it feels “normal”. Stay safe…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. If it was easy to leave no one would ever be abused twice. Don’t feel bad about yourself. It’s hard. Stay safe. Thinking of you!

    Liked by 1 person

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