Are the holidays over yet?

Well my baby girl just landed safely in Houston. I wish I would have been there to pick her up. I am stuck here at work and it sucks. Hopefully I will get to see her Monday. My ex mother in law, (who I know loves my daughter with all of her heart) picked her up and will drive her the two hours to her house for the weekend for Christmas with their side of the family. I wish she was here with me now, my heart is breaking but I know she is happy and excited to see that side of the family. Even though I only have got to talk to her on the phone since she moved, I can hear in her voice how happy she is. She can be a kid without having to worry about me. I love her so much. Honestly it’s mixed emotions, I am so happy that she is happy, but selfishly I’m kind of sad because I feel like she doesn’t even need me anymore, and she’s so much better off without me.

So when I left work Wednesday, I had every intention on going to the Christmas party. It didn’t work out that way. Reality killed that little bit of Christmas spirit on my way home from work thinking about having to tell me stepchildren that I was sorry but I couldn’t get them anything for Christmas. So from the time I got home from work Wednesday to when I had to leave for work this morning, I never even walked out of my house. Full on pity city. I know Christmas shouldn’t be about presents but if you can’t understand how I feel than clearly you’ve never had to tell your children they wouldn’t have one. So needless to say I didn’t go over there for Christmas dinner either. We stayed inside like hermit crabs and watched movies. He was actually OK the whole time so this actually wasn’t about him. I don’t think I could have handled one of his episodes too. This is all so overwhelming. For years I have always had to be the strong one and hold it all together. I just feel like my whole world is crashing in on me and I am so tired. I feel like I could sleep for weeks.

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