when you think nothing else can go wrong….

Well it’s Monday and I still haven’t seen my daughter. My heart is broken. I have talked to her several times on the phone and I feel like she is just giving me excuses and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. She told me that maybe we can have lunch Thursday. She is leaving Friday. I just don’t understand. I don’t know if its’s my ex’s family trying to keep her away from the situation because they don’t know exactly how bad it is, or if it’s her choice and that now that she has gotten away from it that she has resentment towards me. Either way I can’t blame or be mad. I am just heartbroken. I feel like my guts have been ripped out of me.

On top of that last night he got in to a bottle of tequila. He came in there and woke me up about midnight wanting me to get out of bed and go get him cigarettes. I should have went. I told him no that I had to sleep because I had to work tomorrow. He walked out and left the light on. He came back a few minutes later and walked up to the bed and put his hand down my pajama pants and grabbed me, pinched and twisted me. Then put his hand up my shirt and did the same thing to my nipple. I know this is graphic but I’m sorry. I was crying by now. He left for a minute then came back and got in the bed and told me to cuddle next to him. He was crazy drunk and screaming at me to stop crying. I felt like the whole room was closing in on me. My claustrophobia has gotten way worse. Just him laying next to me I was in full panic attack, I couldn’t breathe and it was making the situation worse.  He jumped back up freaking out and kicked me out. I did not argue or beg to stay because I knew what would happen if I did. I got out of the house and into my car and pulled out fast so he couldn’t go for a tire again. He was at the door screaming that I better not go to his family again, but that is exactly where I went because I have no where else to go. I had to call his aunt and wake her up to unlock the door. I had to suck every ounce of pride in to do it. I wanted to sleep in my car more that to have to ask his family for help again. I didn’t because it was cold and I knew that I would never convince him that I wasn’t with some guy if he couldn’t ask his family if I was there. So this morning I stopped by there on the way to work to pick up a few things, thinking he would still be passed out. I was wrong. He jumped off the couch and started screaming at me to get the hell out. My key got stuck in the door and he made it to me before I could get it out. He slammed my head in the door and tried to shove me down the stairs. I caught my balance but since I had my keys in my hand, it tore them off of the house key that was still stuck in the door. So now I have no key to get in my own house. I have a lovely goose egg on my head with a killer headache. I have nothing but one clean set of clothes with me and my dogs are left there with him again. I can’t take this anymore but don’t know what do to at this point. I feel so alone. I just want to run away.

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