mourning the what could have been

So today is our anniversary, not of our wedding but of our first date. This is the one we have always celebrated. Our first date was perfect, too perfect when I think back. Not a casual red flag in the distance but more of one hitting me in the head that I refused to see. We had talked on the phone but had never spent any time together. His sister decided to play matchmaker. He had asked me numerous times to go out but I had refused. He sent me flowers and called and we talked about things we had experienced and things we had wanted out of life. He seemed too good to be true. Finally on New Years Eve, he called and asked me out and told me that he wouldn’t “bother” me anymore after that. I took a leap of faith and told him I would pick him up at 7pm. He had more flowers in hand waiting for me when I arrived at his house. He looked amazing and I thought, its ok, I deserve this. We went to my friends house for a New Years Eve party. Everyone loved him (they always do). We all played board games and laughed and just had a wonderful night. Our first kiss was at midnight while the fireworks were flashing in the sky. It was perfect. We left there and went back to his house and stayed up all night and talked, literally. We didn’t sleep together. Right around the time the sun was coming up, he looked at me and said he didn’t know how but he knew he loved me and he proposed right there. And blissfully caught up in the moment I said yes. Who does that?? Thinking back I really think I was just another one of his compulsions/obsessions. I think he loves me as much as he is capable of love but that’s not saying a lot. We could have had such an amazing life together. I adored him and his kids and just wanted to take care of all of them and grow old with him. I guess things never really turn out the way we plan but I never thought I was asking for much in life. This old world has its own ideas though. I heard something on the radio this morning on my way to work. They said that average people have average problems and extraordinary people have extraordinary problems. People that face unspeakable trials in life are destined for great things. We are being made strong for reasons we may not yet understand but someday this will all make sense. So I am saying goodbye to 2014 and looking forward to things to come this next year. I won’t try to understand life but I will say that some of the most horrible things this life has thrown at me has in its cosmic magical way caused me to gain some dear new friends from these blogs that I feel are going to be a significant part of my life. I love you guys and thank you for being you.


2 thoughts on “mourning the what could have been

  1. CodingGal says:

    Wow we have so much in common in regard to our experiences. My ex proposed almost right away too. It’s definitely a red flag looking back.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Victoria B. says:

    Great post, song and video. Thanks for sharing your story with me. I guess I am not the only one, who celebrates our first date and anniversary.

    Liked by 1 person

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