The anxiety

He knows that it takes me 17 minutes to get home from work. That works if there is no traffic delays, and I get out of the office right at 5pm. He thinks he know how long it takes me to get from our house to the grocery store and back. Any deviation in time from what he thinks it should take me anywhere gets him wound up and straight to the conclusion that I must be off with someone having sex. So when I’m on my way to work and the traffic is backed up do to a fender bender, or I am in line at wal-mart and the person in front of me needs a price check, I go into full panic mode. I understand that the people on the road or at the store or wherever have no idea what fate I have waiting for me when I get home but sometimes I just want to scream it out. Please, if you only knew you would clear a path and get the hell out of my way. I hate feeling like that. The anxiety of it has literally caused ulcers in my stomach. I am so used to this way of thinking, I don’t even know how I’m going to function when I do get away. Everything I do, every decision I make on a day to day basis, my first thought is how is he going to react to this. I cannot get up in the morning with out thinking how much coffee should I make, if he wakes up and wants some and I only made enough for me he will freak out, if he wakes up and I made a whole pot and he doesn’t want any, he will freak out because I am wasting it.  My claustrophobia is getting worse. I can’t even lay on the couch, I feel like I’m smothering in the crack of it and cant breathe. The last week hasn’t been that bad. I haven’t been hit or raped. He even played cards with me the other night. Last night he was back to his crazy mean self. This is not how life is supposed to be. I am almost there though.

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17 thoughts on “The anxiety

  1. CodingGal says:

    Love the pic 🙂 But on a serious note….what you’ve written was my story at one time. Word for word. I am glad you are able to express yourself the way you do.as.it’s very helpful to you I’m sure. I’m glad to hear you say you are getting closer to letting go. Will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers *hugs*

    Liked by 2 people

  2. mujerlibre says:

    I know exactly how you feel. It is so overwhelming to be under the control of another person. His behavior is not normal. No one should live in fear in their own home. I too struggled with the “what ifs” when contemplating leaving my ex, wondering what it would be like when I had to start thinking for myself. It was scary but not nearly as scary as going home everyday with no clue as to what you are walking into. I remember when I found out at work that I had to go on a work trip with a male co-worker, I instantly was in a full blown panic attack, crying in the bathroom at work, knowing that my ex was going to flip when I told him. And of course, that’s exactly what he did. He called me every name in the book. Accused me of taking the job so that I could go on overnight trips with men. I also remember the panic of running late, having to give him a play by play of my every move. It was insane. Now all of that is a thing of the past and I can tell you, it is wonderful.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Fuckin fuck Fuck Fuck!

    Liked by 4 people

  4. DotedOn says:

    A few more days dear. Hugs 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • anni6290 says:

      hugs back 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • Lucy Furr says:

      Girlfriend, this was my life for thirty years. I related with the coffee comment. Guessing what kind of mood he was going to be in when he woke up was always the challege. I look forward to reading more. Hugs 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      • anni6290 says:

        30 years wow, I’m so sorry! I thought 13 was bad, I take it you are out of it now so I am so happy for you. I will be soon. hugs back!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Lucy Furr says:

        Just goes to show you’re smarter than me. 13 years of living in hell is bad enough. Be careful. Abusers are most dangerous when you begin your escape. Mine shot himself in the mouth with a pistol in a lane attempt to win me back. I’m not out of danger yet. Next time he picks up a gun, it might be aimed at me. Be careful!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • anni6290 says:

        omg please stay safe!!! Mine has threatened suicide in the past, I never know if its a real threat or a manipulation tactic. I know my safety is more important right now. I have been planning on leaving for a while now and he doesn’t know and I’m not telling him, I know what he is capable of if he knew. Stay in touch and stay safe 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Reading this is like reading my own journal (minus the rape part) but I know exactly how this feels. Traffic gives me that sick feeling in my stomach. I drive home anticipating the questioning and the accusations. He too, “knows” how long it should take to drive home from work, the sitters house, the grocery store. Often demands to see receipts if I was at the gas station or the bank. I find myself trying to think of more plausable “excuses” for where I was incase the truth won’t be enough for him (even if the truth is completely innocent) I’m in your same spot. Waiting patiently to leave. Thinking of you and sending good energy your way.

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  6. Lucy Furr says:

    What I learned at the women’s shelter was invaluable. If suicide is being threatened, you don’t need to worry if its a real threat or not. Treat it as a real threat and call 911 and ask for a well-fare evaluation. This does a few things for you. It makes it so you won’t live with guilt the rest of your life because you did something to stop the suicide attempt. Your guilt feelings will be removed or at lease minimized because the police were the last ones to have dealt with the person. Secondly, it removes suicide as a weapon of control. The suicidal person doesn’t like it when the police show up. In fact, they get really pissed off. The suicidal person may still try and act suicidal around you but their weapon of control is less effective because they know you’re going to call the police if they go too far with their pity party. I know this works because I have a daughter who is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I had to call the police on her twice before she finally got it through her head that she couldn’t use suicide as a weapon of control. We have a pretty good relationship now that we openly talk about suicide as means of control. I also know this works because I had to call the police on my then-husband while I was at the women’s shelter. He learned real quick not to act suicidal around me. Even though he still did eventually attempt suicide, it wasn’t a real attempt. He was a hoarder and had an arsenal of weapons he could’ve used. He chose the smallest gun and pointed it in the wrong direction because he thought I’d feel sorry for him and come running back. It didn’t work and now he feels like a dumbfuck. Sorry this is so long. But whenever I hear about suicide being used as a weapon, I have to get on my soapbox. Don’t be afraid to call 911. Perpetrators try and make you think its bad to involve the police but it’s the smartest thing I ever did. Best of luck to you. I’ll keep following your blog.

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  7. anni6290 says:

    thank you so much 🙂 I have learned alot from these blogs and every piece of insight and advice is greatly appreciated. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. dodgysurfer says:

    I liked the headline in the photo because I tend to jump to the worst conclusions just as easily, but really, the rest of your post and many others just leaves me feeling shocked and almost ashamed to be a man because of what us men do, stuff like this.
    It’s rational fear that makes you feel this way because experience tells you what might happen.
    You don’t deserve that.

    Liked by 1 person

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