He knows that it takes me 17 minutes to get home from work. That works if there is no traffic delays, and I get out of the office right at 5pm. He thinks he know how long it takes me to get from our house to the grocery store and back. Any deviation in time from what he thinks it should take me anywhere gets him wound up and straight to the conclusion that I must be off with someone having sex. So when I’m on my way to work and the traffic is backed up do to a fender bender, or I am in line at wal-mart and the person in front of me needs a price check, I go into full panic mode. I understand that the people on the road or at the store or wherever have no idea what fate I have waiting for me when I get home but sometimes I just want to scream it out. Please, if you only knew you would clear a path and get the hell out of my way. I hate feeling like that. The anxiety of it has literally caused ulcers in my stomach. I am so used to this way of thinking, I don’t even know how I’m going to function when I do get away. Everything I do, every decision I make on a day to day basis, my first thought is how is he going to react to this. I cannot get up in the morning with out thinking how much coffee should I make, if he wakes up and wants some and I only made enough for me he will freak out, if he wakes up and I made a whole pot and he doesn’t want any, he will freak out because I am wasting it. My claustrophobia is getting worse. I can’t even lay on the couch, I feel like I’m smothering in the crack of it and cant breathe. The last week hasn’t been that bad. I haven’t been hit or raped. He even played cards with me the other night. Last night he was back to his crazy mean self. This is not how life is supposed to be. I am almost there though.