Battle Fatigue

So I’m still here. Things at work have been super busy. My plan may take a little longer than I thought. We aren’t getting our W2’s until the end of the month now so that means the money will take a little longer but I’m ok for now. I am still prepared for anything. I am ready to leave on a moments notice if need be. He has been on an upward manic mood lately. Making tons of plans for my tax refund (the money I am moving with). He thinks he is going to start a new business and help get us out of debt and help his family since his dad was just laid off after working for a company for forty years. His heart is in the right place but I have seen this before and it never lasts. It does make the guilt harder but that is just part of it and I know that. I have thought a lot about things lately. A life I will have again. Little things I have lost over the years like spending a birthday with my family, driving five hours away to visit my great grandmother who is 106 years old, having hobbies and friends. I am not going to lie, I am exhausted. My walk is currently a crawl. But I am still trucking. The mental and physical toll this marriage has taken on me has knocked me down, but I will get back up. I miss life and have so much to look forward to but am very realistic and know that it is going to be crazy hard. I have to be real and prepare myself and know that as much as I can hate him, he is someone I have loved for a long time and I will miss him and worry about him and feel guilty for leaving. I also have to be prepared that he may stalk me, he may come after me or my family, or he may not do anything. My plan to leave is realistic but when it comes down to it I know that if something happens, because it very well may, that I have to leave my home and everything I own and my pets that is just how it will have to be. If I stay I WILL die. I looking forward to and am dreading the day I leave, the closer it gets, the more nervous/excited/guilty it feel. My parents and brother are on standby now and although they don’t know all of the details, they are all literally a phone call away, ready to come get me if need be and are calling me everyday at work now to check on me. I hate that I make them worry but feel truly grateful to have them there for me. Counting the days now, I’m almost home free guys.

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4 thoughts on “Battle Fatigue

  1. Lucy Furr says:

    When you leave, consider going to the women’s shelter for additional help. If you don’t want to stay there, you can get help through their outreach program. When I left my perpetrator, I had friends and family I could’ve stayed with but chose to go to the shelter. After years of emotional mind-twisting, I knew I wanted the full backing of professionals to help me make my escape. Looking back it was the best decision of my life. I met a woman who was also in an abusive marriage and encouraged her to go to the women’s shelter. She chose, instead, to use their outreach program. Both of is have successfully made out escape. But even more important, we’re learning how to break the pattern of abuse. Not going back in to bad relationships is more complicated than you’d think. Best of luck. ((Hugs))

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Excited for you and nervous. I hope you go through with it. It’s so easy to think about just hard to put into action. How do you plan to get him out of the trailor and tow it without him knowing? I think it’s best to also call a lawyer even if you don’t have funds just to know what legally you can do or cannot do and same with him, what he can and cannot do. Puts your mind at ease a little to know how the law can work in your favor or to use caition to not have anything bite you in the ass. They can give you a free consultation over the phone and you can tell them your plan. Call several if you need to. Keep in touch. I worry when you don’t post and especially if you are leaving soon. Don’t feel guilty! He did this! It’s his own fault. You deserve a better life. Abuse eats away at your soul. Think of just a regular day without him. No time limit on driving home. No locking yourself in the bed room. No rape! See i don’t love my husband anymore. So i don’t understand sometimes why women stay because they still love theirs. There’s got to be some sort of burning hatred in their somewhere. Use a really bad memory to give you the extra boost you need that day. Replay it in your mind as you hook up that trailor. Don’t ever go back! Good luck to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. anni6290 says:

    thank you for the support 🙂 I plan on going to work that day like normal and calling him from work that morning to let him know. Several of his family members are our neighbors so if he makes a scene, it will have to be in front of all of them which he normally tries to hide that side of himself from them. Either way I won’t be there so I am not in the path of wrath. If he decides to make a scene and won’t leave, (I have already talked to an attorney) I will have to file a notice to evict and it will take a little longer and some red tape to get through. 🙂

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