He’s going to kill you

(warning…some of the abuse I’m going to share with you in this post is very graphic)

I’m going to tell you I’m sorry ahead of time if my blog posts jump around chronologically. I have 13 years of verbal, physical, and sexual abuse that I have never been able to talk about so bare with me please. Today I want to share with you what happened in August of this year. It was the experience that made up my mind that I have to leave, no matter how long it takes and how hard it is. The verbal abuse seems normal these days. Even when he is in a good mood he still makes remarks like he’s aggravating me or it’s a joke. The physical abuse seems like it gets a little worse every time but the physical wounds heal and it’s really become normal too. The sexual abuse, the sodomy, is the stuff that really scares me. I guess because every time I think gosh well he can’t possibly do anything worse than that….he does.

One day after work in August I met him at the local resturaunt/bar down the road from his office. We were there until about eleven then left together in his truck, he want to run by his office. He had drank a lot. Not just beer, but had been taking shots all night. I was too, I don’t drink often because I tend to be a little braver with my remarks to him if we fight and I always pay for it. So we get to his office, (at night so no one is there), and he wants me to perform oral sex on him. I am sick by now from the alcohol and just want to go home and go to sleep. I do it though because I always do because its easier to do what he says than the alternative usually, but I threw up, on his rug in his office. He smacked me in the head and told me to lay on the couch. He then takes off all of my clothes and starts to have anal sex with me. He knows I hate this because it hurts so bad. His “butt rapes” are VERY often, and they are awful. I was crying, begging him to stop, and trying to push him off like usual, but this time he tried something new. He put a few fingers in with his part to make it hurt worse. I screamed and tried to wiggle away. Then it happened, he pulled hisself out of me and pushed the rest of his fingers in. He had his entire fist up my butt. I can’t even explain the pain. I felt myself ripping. I screamed and cried even louder and with all of my strength tried to pull myself free. I managed to knock us off of the couch on to the floor. He didn’t stop. This wasn’t just a quick in and out this went on for about 15 minutes. I begged for God out loud, I begged him to stop and told him he could have everything we owned if he would just let me go. But the look on his face..I could tell at this point he wasn’t trying to hurt me or punish me, he was actually getting off to it. He finally stopped and when he pulled his hand out it was covered in blood. Blood dripped all over his stupid office rug too. I stood up and almost fell over. I was weak, still in horrible pain, and naked. He looked at me and told me to go get him a bottle of water out of his mini fridge and to clean up my throw up from the rug. I did what he said. I felt like my insides were literally hanging out of me. I grabbed my clothes and looked up and he looked like he was passing out. I hurried and put my clothes on and grabbed his keys and jetted as fast as I could for the door. I got on the elevator, rode down the six floors out to the parking lot and to his truck before I even looked back. I was so scared. I knew if he realized that I was leaving he would catch me and never let me go to hospital ( he never had all the years before this) I jumped in the truck, locked the doors and took off. I had to sit on my side kind of leaning over trying to drive. I drove back to the restaurant and got out of his truck and into my car, then drove twenty minutes to the emergency room. The drive there was frightening. I knew when he woke up and realized I had not only left but had taken his truck and left him stranded there he would freak smooth out. But I knew this time I had to get to a hospital I knew he had caused some serious damage, I could feel it. On my way there I tried to pull myself together and suck up the pain for a minute and call my 16 year old daughter…who was at home alone. My first thought was that he would wake up and figure out that I left and call one of his friends to get him and bring him home. That is where I’m sure he would look for me first, I’ve never tried to go to the hospital before. I wasn’t worried that he would hurt my daughter but I didn’t know what he would do. So I called her and tried to play it off, I told her to get up and lock the door, that we had got in an argument and I left him there and would home later but that I didn’t him to show up acting crazy mad drunk (she knows how he gets) and scare her. When I got to the ER I walked in and got to the front desk and almost passed out. I was really weak and crying and wondered how I even drove the twenty minutes there. A lady behind me got the attention of a nurse and told point to my backside. I turned to look and I was saturated with blood. I looked like I had a miscarraige or something. They put me in a chair and asked me what was wrong and I had to say it out loud, my husband shoved his fist up my butt. You can not imagine the humiliation I felt. If I wasn’t in so much pain I probobly would have turned back around and walked right out. My blood pressure was 82/50. I guess that was why I felt so weak. They put me in a private room and a police officer came and took a statement and a nurse came and did a rape kit. I asked her if she had ever seen anything like this before (me thinking this was so unimaginable that surely no one else had ever done this to anyone, like who even thinks of this kind of stuff), but she said she had seen this before but never this bad with this much damage and that I may have to have surgery. I was mortified. Then she looked at me and asked me if I was going back to him when I left there. (At this point I assumed not) She looked me straight in the eye and told me she had been doing this job for a long time and if I go back there he’s going to kill me. It sent a chill through my body, I guess because I knew it was true. He may not right then but everything over the years had gotten worse and at some point the only thing left would be to kill me and I was getting close. I’m sure I’ve known it for a long time I just didn’t want to think about it. My twisted life had become normal to me. I needed to hear it from someone else I guess. I knew I had to get away, no matter how hard it would be. I spent 3 days in the hospital and it took weeks to get control of my bowels back. The day I got out of the hospital I went home because I felt like I had to at that point and he had actually said he was sorry and was being super nice so I felt safe for the time being so I could start planning my escape. But that day I sent my daughter to live with her father 18 hours away. It was the weekend before school started. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I had to get her out of this first. I read stuff all the time about how people say why don’t you just leave. Unless you are in the situation you can’t understand. It’s not that simple for everyone or I’m sure everyone would “just leave”. I have a plan, and if I can make it until February I will be able to leave and know that I will be safe and he won’t be able to find me. If you are reading this and you are planning on leaving a situation please know we can all do this together. We will make it. We are not alone.

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