Cleaning up my side of the street

So I have a roller coaster of emotions that I feel towards my husband. Of course I love him, I wouldn’t have given him 13 years of my life if I didn’t. I know it seems like a cliche when people say why did’t you leave, “well because I love him”, but although so many of our stories are similar in so many ways, they each have unique circumstances. You can’t help the way that you feel, it’s what makes you who you are as a person. Although I do not feel an any way that I deserve any of the abuse I have endured over the years, I feel like in order for me to be able to truly move on when I leave I need to take responsibility for my part in this. I have to forgive myself and let this guilt I have been holding on to go. You see I know that my husband is sick and that he needs help and has for a long time. But even though I couldn’t force him to get help, I feel like in our circumstances there are things that I did that made him worse. He was married before and although I think there was some verbal abuse, it never got further than that. She was stronger than me and didn’t tolerate it. He didn’t become the way he is now overnight. Over the years I have never made him pay any kind of consequence for his actions. In fact, I usually ended up babying him and apologizing for whatever it was that I did that set him off. The more I let him get away with, the more he did.  As much as I hated him when he was being so cruel, my heart broke for him when he was sad afterwards. I know that probably sounds really pathetic but it is what it is. Honestly if things hadn’t escalated to where they are know where I am actually afraid for my life (I still haven’t shared that night with you yet), I may not be trying so hard to leave. Although my blog is anonymous, if I decide at some point to reveal it to the people I care about I want you all; my family, my step-kids, my daughter, my mother and father in law, my sweet sisters in law who have also been dear friends to me, my brother and his wife, and all of my friends, I am deeply sorry for any part that I have had over the years that has caused you all any pain or worry. I am apologizing  to myself as well. I am sorry that I have lost myself and my dreams and ambitions for my life because of revolving my entire life around one person. That may sound selfish but these are my feelings. I felt like if I just loved him enough that one day he would see it and just come out of it. I feel defeated. I wish I could hate him but I don’t. So when I leave, it’s not just for me, its for him. If I stay he will end up in prison for killing me or dead from killing himself. That is the harsh reality of my circumstances.