I thought that was it

So let me tell you about what happened a few weeks ago, the night that was worse than the other night I have already shared with you. This was the scariest night of my life no doubt. I need to share it so I can bring you up to speed on whats happening now. A few weeks ago I went  on medical leave from work, I was supposed to be off for a week. I had to have my gallbladder removed. No surprise he didn’t even take me to the hospital for my surgery. My mother-in-law took me and my parents met us up there. Anyway, it was an outpatient procedure, I was only there for the day (laproscopic). My instructions were to go home and basically lay in bed and rest for about a week. Yea right. He had actually been in a really good mood even though he was being totally unsympathetic to my surgery. (making me still wait on him hand and foot, driving him around where ever he needed and wanted to go starting the day after my procedure). After a few days he starting being extra nice, not normal nice. He sometimes does this when he stays up for days on his adderall. I just tried to enjoy it. I love it when he is in a good mood and being sweet. I crave it. It didn’t last. We had been sleeping on our two couches in the living room because our air conditioner broke and well October is still freaking hot in Texas. When I went to sleep he was still playing on his laptop. He woke me up at about four in the morning. He was a totally different person than when I went to sleep. I knew immediately it was not good when I saw notebooks all by his recliner. I was still sore from the surgery and really tired. He said “get up now we need to talk”. The interrogation started. He started asking his questions and I tried telling him that I had not done anything…the same thing we had done so many times. But this time after a few minutes of me not “admitting” what he thought I had done, he stopped and said “well we’re going to die tonight”. I froze. He stood up, walked in front of me and had one of our best vegetable knives in his hand. I was freaking out, crying, begging him to put the knife down and we would talk. He has done a lot of horrible crap over the years and there were times I thought he might beat me to death from a fit of rage and I might die from a punctured lung or brain bleed or something but this was like preplanned. He knew what he wanted to do before he even woke me up. I had my cell phone next to me and I tried (as he is ranting and raving) to dial 911 but dialing 911 on an Iphone in between the cushions on the couch is not as easy as you would think. He realized what I was doing and grabbed the phone from me and took it in the kitchen and smashed it to death with a meat tenderizer. (I still don’t have a cell phone) So I finally talk him into sitting down in his chair telling him that I will admit to everything if he just sits down because I was freaking out and couldn’t talk with a knife in front of me. In my head I was thinking that this was my only other chance to get away. If I could get him to sit down maybe I could sprint to the door fast enough to run out and even if he caught me in the yard I could scream loud enough that someone might hear me. That didn’t work either. As soon as I made it to the door and tried to open it, it was locked and before I could unlock it he had grabbed me. He starts screaming “why would you do that”. He then starts beating me. I ended up back on the couch, my incisions sore, a knot already swelling up on the side of my face and I was bleeding from the fingernail marks he left in my neck from choking me so hard. I was terrified. Then it gets worse, he grabs a roll of black electrical tape he had sitting by his chair. (something else he had got before he woke me up) He told me to lay on my belly. I cannot even describe the panic that rose up in me. I am extremely claustrophobic. I cannot be held down or restrained in any way, I’ve been this way my entire life and he knows this. He taped my hands together behind my back. I knew I was going to die. I asked him in a panic if we could still “talk” that I would admit to anything he asked me and tell him anything he wanted to know. He said we could but I had to stay tied up. I couldn’t breathe. I was in full panic attack, hyperventilating. He showed no emotion whatsoever. I did the best I could spitting out names and answering his questions with whatever I though made since to him and if he thought I was lying I changed the story to something else. This went on for hours because it got daylight and we were still at it. When he was finally satisfied that I had told him everything he told me that he would let me leave but that he was going to kill himself.  His entire demeanor changed from crazy man mode to lost little boy mode. He told me specifically to leave and come back in 2 hours and tell everyone I that he had been depressed and that I just found him. (he was going to hang himself in the tree in the backyard.  Now of course I should have ran the minute he cut the tape off and said I could go, but this is how much control this man has over me. I went from the most afraid I have ever been in my life to feeling sorry for him. I wanted to get away from him but I didn’t want him to die. I just kept thinking about how hurt his family would be and my step kids, they would be devastated. He had just got in an argument with his daughter and his dad a few days before and I knew they would blame themselves. I would know that he did it because of me. This stuff just kept running through my head. So I decided to stay a few hours and I talked him down, then didn’t feel like I could leave him alone. A few hours turned into a few days and well that was in October.  I’m still there. I feel like my mind is forever broken. I am afraid if I stay he will kill me. I am afraid if I leave him he will kill himself or come after me an kill me. I am afraid if I leave now and don’t wait I will have to start over with nothing at 36 years old and won’t make and end up having to come back. I am afraid. I have a plan to leave in February and its giving me something to hope for. Hope is what I have right now.

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7 thoughts on “I thought that was it

  1. Anni:
    I don’t mean to be brash with this but, (AS YOU KNOW THIS SUBJECT HITS ME CLOSE TO HOME) if you do not leave, he WILL eventually kill YOU.
    YOU CAN NOT HEAL HIM.
    YOU CAN NOT FIX HIM.
    HE DOES NOT, CAN NOT LOVE YOU.
    He is Gaslighting you; he is manipulating you and your dwindling sense of Self…he sounds so much like the Ripper, it scares me for your safety. He waited until you were weakened by a force not his own, and then he premeditated a horrific incident in which you were trapped and he knew it.
    The dialogue between the two of you in your retelling of this event is bone-shivering for me also…the being forced to admit to things you haven’t done, his going through your things while you sleep… and the SPEED involved. (Adderall, Cocaine, Dexedrine or Meth can each, surprisingly, affect the exact same behaviors and loss of self-control, fleeting notion of reality and extreme physical aggression.
    GET OUT.
    Forget your bag, just go…don’t wait for it to get better Honey; you’ll die that way.:-/
    You can reach me at cutthroatclubhouse@gmail.com privately if you are so inclined – EVER. You are NOT alone. EVER. You need to begin planning an escape. Bury your ID and keys in the front yard somewhere ahead of time, just in case and start trying to clear your head enough to make a solid plan.
    Biggest of Hugs and Support to you sister. I’m here.

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    • anni6290 says:

      I know, I have a just in case bag packed and I have called the local shelter and gave them my info. I also told my his sister what happened (she lives next door) but I’m just trying to stick it out until I get my income tax so when I leave I can move my mobile home with everything in it with me so starting over won’t be so hard. I saved your email and I will let you know i’m ok even if I can’t blog. His kids are down for the holiday so we won’t be alone this weekend. 🙂 thanks for being here, it means alot 🙂

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  2. I wish I could come save you. You need to put him in jail. Then you will be safe and can have your things. This it’s an attempt of next plus kidnapping. I put my husband in jail once and I sobbed I couldn’t imagine him in there. But the next day I felt free and when I told my family I was suprised how many people came to my rescue. They gave me money and helped pack my things. You want to make it up to your daughter? you have to make it out alive. I know leaving is going to be the hardest thing you do but trust me once you do you find the person that was there before the abuse. And she’s strong! She’s happy! If you die you won’t know happiness anymore. It’s there trust new. I know abuse is like a box, you’re stuck in a box and don’t know there’s a big world out there. What I did is I started calling lawyers so many! They give free consultants over phone it even email. They can tell you your rights. What you can and cannot do. What your entitled to. How to get out and get help. They are empowering. They gave me so much strength. Also the blog is a great way for documentation. Try to document everything. Your husband has made you believe he has power but only you see him that way. He is nobody in the world. Justice will be served. Go out of the town to another department. That truck is yours. Take it and drive to a shelter far away. You can sell the truck for money and get your tax return sent to a p.o. box. There are so many programs that will help you get what you need. That trailor? Is just a bunch of memories you don’t need. And if he does ever come looking for you. I think he’ll recognize the trailor. Go now. Because you may not make it to your deadline. And if you do you might change your mind. Call the lawyers get a plan that can be done now and one day soon hopefully you’ll have that little bit if courage that’s left kick you in the ass and you’ll go. I know you may not listen to anyone’s advice and I did the same thing. We are so blinded by lies. No way at all am I lecturing you. You need love and support. You are important smart beautiful kind and you deserve love. I didn’t love my husband after the abuse so I don’t understand how hard this might be but no one deserves this. Please make it

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  3. yeah, so what I said about little can of bear spray, buy a big can. And keep it on you somehow. Maybe if he knows you will fight him back, he wont want you anymore. And do everything you can legally so he cant accuse you of assault if you need to use it. These guys are monsters, I’m so sorry for you, for all of us! DM me on twitter anytime if you need to talk or feel free to email me too. Or comment on my blog or whatever. I will help support you as much as I can, even if its just virtual hugs. (((hug)))

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